So I have been sitting at my computer every night, staring a blank document and taking swigs from a very sweet and very satisfying Mike's Hard Lemonade in attempts to do what once came so easily to me once upon a time. I started this blog in high school as an outlet that I had then thought would allow me to forge connections that I had lacked at the time. My rants and juvenile "words of wisdom" graced the screens of very few that endured through what I can only label as disturbingly laughable nonsense. To save anyone who is reading this a bit of time, all old posts have been backed up and deleted. I would like to say that I have changed and grown since those words were first recorded, but I very much doubt that's true. I believe we like to all think that. That we have all somehow changed for the better and grown since the time we were young, and hell that is exactly the same bullshit I believed until I was blessed with a beautiful reminder that growth is an ideal told to children as sort of a bedtime story. We then tell this ideal over and over to ourselves as a coping mechanism to reassure ourselves that the changes in our lives is always positive. Growth is such a charged word, always moving forward, never focused on what used to be. I believe this word has transformed into a sort of mental cue adults use to check themselves into a place they think they are meant to be and push back the bits of their past they want to keep behind them, or have "grown" past. It's not always a bad thing, of course. Hiding from your past and moving forward. It helps us survive and even thrive if we forget the hazardous conditions we were once forced to live in. But do humans really grow? I sure as hell hope not.
Change is a constant, but in definition is never implied to be a forward motion. When we grow physically, our bodies grow vertically. When we age, our timelines moves forward. To say that our consciousness and being follows the same pattern is a comforting motion but one I thank every day is wrong. We are told as children to grow up. To act better. Adhere to the rules and principles and standards set by society and make ourselves in the image that society deems acceptable. Once achieved, it is implied that we have grown up. We have matured past childhood concepts and entered into a new phase in our lives. We celebrate with caps being thrown in the air or a our first paycheck being clapped into our eager hands, while we smile at the loss of an innocence that we have been trained to believe has burdened us. An innocence that obstructs our view on how the world works and oversimplifies a life that is very rarely cut and dry. That innocence that allows us to feel safe when expressing the very real emotions we may be feeling, rather than donning a mask to display what is appropriate given the time and place. The innocence of wanting to reach out to others in acts of kindness because its what you feel in your heart rather than steeling yourself away in fear of consequence of violence or reaction. That innocence that allows you to feel that sense of wonder and explore the reaches of your imagination without the stigma of not being anchored to reality.
I think there is a moment in adulthood, when a regression takes place. When people begin to regain that bit of youthful innocence they once held. It comes when they are able to finally make decisions themselves and pay for their own lives rather than everything being decided for them. In that moment when we discover we can do as we wish and act on our own wants a bit of ourselves shines through. We toss a favorite childhood candy bar into our grocery cart that we were never allowed to eat when we were younger or do some activity that our parents no longer agreed to pay for. For me personally, I lived off mini tacos and pizza rolls for a month, vegetables be damned. Then we are hit with a fresh dose of reality in the form of bills needing to be paid or heartache unable to be expressed. We close our eyes. take a breath, and continue on. Remembering the lessons we rolled our eyes at so that we could get through. So that we could survive. Funny thing about living, when you are a kid you don't really consider every day as something you just need to get through.
In the summer of 2016 I had my beautiful reminder early in the morning by way of Amelia. She was beautiful and hard earned from what I remember of my labor. I began to set about doing all the very adult things I needed to do to ensure that she was well taken care of. As I watched her grow however, and I saw the unrelenting joy she exuded in almost moment I decided to hell with growth. I witnessed her unforgiving tears when she was upset and unapologetic glares when strangers got too close and I made the conscious decision to follow suit. To regress back to the person I was before the harsh realities of the adult world had beaten and shaped me into an unrecognizable person just willing herself to exist and get though. I didn't want to just exist anymore. I wanted to thrive. I wanted to live like my daughter did. It was then I began to stop apologizing for her emotions and my own. We live in a world where we have to apologize and hide if we cry in public. Where being sad is no longer an acceptable emotion to display because it makes others uncomfortable. Where we have to grin and bear it when strangers overstep because it's not polite to say something. Where unbridled joy in the form of loud laughter and play is tempered down to a more acceptable level. More than that though, who we are, our very being and personalities are being watered down as we grow older to accommodate others and what we believe others want.
Amelia is expressive and uneven at times, but she is pure and innocent and so incredibly raw that it is the most amazing thing to watch. She is who she without being tempered with in any way. Her likes, her dislikes, her attitude (which is so unbelievable evident at her age), and her responses are authentically hers based on who she is and what she feels. With that comes a certainty in kindness and love that she makes sure to pass along to everyone around her. The simplicity to it kills me at times, but I think every mother can attest to having that feeling of your heart bursting at the thought of your child. Of all the books and the flashcards and the games I picked out to help her learn about the world around her, I never prepared myself for the idea that instead I would be learning- about myself and about how to ignore this world I am so eager to show her and just be. To strip away all learned behaviors and just live your life based on how you feel in that moment.
So this is my rant for the day I suppose. And my solemn promise to the little girl who is everything to me. I promise to regress more and more each day. To laugh louder, regardless of who watches. To cry freely when I am sad and to learn that it is okay to react to the world around me without fear of reaction or retribution because it isn't what others expect from me. I pray every day to try and experience 1/10 of the joy you feel and match you smile for smile, which I doubt will be difficult as long as you are in my life. I also promise not to raise you to meet societal norms, but rather instill you with values and beliefs to guide you and strengthen your unwavering resolve to stay who you are. Be raw. It's the only beauty that matters. Always change, never grow. Don't let anyone tell you that you always have to move forward. I hope you read this someday so that you know how much you have changed me at my core.
Love Mom.
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